THE GREAT TWINKIES PROTEST
The nation was stunned this morning when it became widely known that third grade students throughout the country had launched a protest movement the likes of which had never been seen before. Boys, girls, blacks, Hispanics, Muslims, Catholics, Evangelicals and Satanists joined in the joyous celebration of free speech and association. As Justice Kennedy stated from his home in Anti-Trump Towers: “This is the Constitution wrought bare.” Some pointed out that the statement made no sense, but were not surprised. However, the public saw freedom as never so soundly expressed.
If it is possible that you are unaware of the justifiable discontent of these serious youngsters, it is the Federal government’s total banning of Twinkies from Federal lunch programs. Mothers have reported that their children have refused to attend school in view of this breach of their Constitution right. Scholars have stated that while they have carefully examined the Constitution, they have failed to find the word “Twinkies.” Justice Ginsburg airily dismissed the lack of the word pointing to the recent Court’s successful search for penumbral rights in many cases, where concepts such as abortion, were found. “Extending the search to find the right to consume pastries in general and Twinkies in particular is well within our judicial capabilities,” she insisted. She was emphatic: “Don’t worry, like same- sex marriage, we’ll find it even if it doesn’t exist.”
The country’s astonishment, including this reporter’s, shows that disadvantaged students had no access to Twinkies except as part of their Federal lunch program. A Harvard economics professor pointed out that this is representative of the oppressive income gap in this country where rich families can afford to purchase plenty of Twinkies for their children and callously do not care that ending the Twinkies subsistence program will leave poor children famished, nearly starving.
Major New England universities responded to the crisis by permitting all students time off to rush to their nearest grade school to assist the protesters. It is a wide consensus in the media that the protest would fail without the help of professional university protesters. “These children do not know how to build signs and block traffic,” one university student from Berkley reported. Since we have been doing this for fifty years we recognize our political responsibility to disrupt other peoples’ lives.”
A student from Smith approached me after observing the signs the kids were carrying. Shakily, she pointed out that one sign said FUK. Sobbing profusely, she told me: “What chance does a student have when they cannot even spell one of the most important words in today’s world.” She then began crying hysterically and was becalmed only after it was pointed out that she was mistaken – the sign was prepared by a CNN reporter.
(to be continued)